By Gail Vaz Oxlade

Sourced from: http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/4451

One of the premises of my new TV show (I’m told it’s airing on Slice on April 18 at 11:00 p.m.) is that people just won’t talk about their money. Even when they’re getting married. Even when they’ve BEEN married. Even when it might make all the difference to their relationship with their sibs, their parents, their kids. Is money such a defining thing in our lives that we’re hesitant because of what we think our money will say about us?

When I was making $6,500 a year as a secretary, I didn’t define myself by the amount of money that I made. When I was making $150,000 as a training consultant, the money didn’t mean I was substantially smarter. And when my income dropped away as I prioritized kids over career, the money I was making didn’t say much about who I was as a person.

Some people are quite open about their money. But there are loads of people who think that their incomes say something about who they are. Or the folks who don’t want to get into a discussion that might result in them having to change something they’re doing. Or the people who just point-blank refuse to think about money at all.

It goes without saying that on a website devoted to money, the audience is self-selecting. I was pleased to see that the people who visit this site are very often open-minded and willing to talk about money.

When I asked peeps to tell me if they find it easy to talk to their partners about money, of the 702 people who responded to the poll, 37% said they found it very easy, and that they were of like minds. Forty-three percent said they sometimes disagree with their partners, while the remaining 20% refuse to talk about money.

Hey, even if you disagree, as long as you’re talking about the money you’re headed in the right direction. And as for those who are completely on the same page, you’ve eliminated a huge bone of contention by choosing a partner with a similar agenda. The 20% who just can’t get into the discussion are going to have a long road to walk.

This is the same 20% that fight about money all the time based on the poll that asked how often partners fight over money. What a horrible way to live? And if you can’t come to terms, what will it take to keep you working together as a couple when the caca hits the fan? Or are you just hanging on for dear life because you can’t imagine letting go?

You don’t have to be two peas in a pod when it comes to your spending and savings habits to make the money work. In fact, when I asked, “Do you and your partner have the same spending/saving habits?” only 22% said they were very alike. Other than the 10% who fight like cats and dogs, the rest acknowledge their differences and either those difference don’t cause a problem (44%), or they’ve found ways to cope (24%).

For all the folks that still can’t find a way to have a civilized money conversation with their mate at least once a week, you have my sympathies. It’s a tough road you’re walking. No doubt there will be stumbles along the way. I hope you’re both strong enough to make it through.

Ever wonder what it takes to be an employee of Family Service PEI? Well this past month the Employment Journey took the time to find out! Read the article below to learn from our Executive Director, Denise Lockhart  the requirements to be a financial, personal and family counsellor.

http://www.employmentjourney.com/archives/EJMar13_13.pdf

Just as prolonged stress affects health, so too can it affect one’s sex life. Stress is perhaps the number one culprit in men’s and women’s low sexual desire. Too much stress often chips away a person’s libido (desire), by affecting hormones and mood, and by interfering with the quality time that helps a couple stay connected.

To avoid a sexual disconnect with your partner, it is important that you take the time to free yourself of stress; allowing you to joy life’s finer moments. Here are some ideas of how to do just that:

Exercise: Becoming active is the quickest and easiest way to lessen the effects of stress. Exercise might be the last thing you want to do after a long day at work, but just 20 to 30 minutes spent breaking a sweat can rid your body of stress and recharge you for the night. If the treadmill isn’t your thing, try swimming, tennis, yoga or a Pilates class.

Rearrange Your Schedule: If you often find yourself stressed near the end of the day, try changing your schedule to improve your mood. Tackle big projects in the morning when you have more energy, and don’t forget to rest and recharge throughout the day. Spend 90 minutes completely focused on the task at hand, followed by a 5 to 10 minute break to do some deep breathing, listen to some music, or walk to the post office. By giving yourself just a small break, you can improve your mental function and get back in the game.

Let It Go: Easier said than done, right? Not really. Remember that you are in charge of your mental space and only you can determine your mood and your outlook. Start creating a positive mood before the day even begins.

Reduce Obligations In Your Life. If you get organized, prioritize only important commitments in your life and say no to other activities that take up your time, you can reduce the overall level of stress you experience in your life; giving you more time and energy on your hands and less stress in your life. This all contributes to a healthy libido.

Get Enough Sleep. Sleep deprivation can damage your entire system and make you feel more stressed. If you can’t get enough sleep at night, you might try a power nap to achieve some of the same benefits. This may help you preserve more energy for nighttime activities.

Have A Good Laugh. It’s often said that laughter is the shortest distance between two people. Laughter is also an excellent stress reliever and delivers great benefits to your body and soul. Try to unwind with a funny TV show or book, or make it a point to share some laughs with the one you love.

Schedule Time for Intimacy. Being stressed and busy (especially after a new baby or a major change), can cause us to feel more detached in our relationship. If you make it a point to find time for emotionally nurturing conversation, you will feel more connected and most likely more amorous with your partner. Also, by talking about your current stressors you will get it off your chest preventing you from being burdened by the excess stress your problems bring. This will help you feel closer to your partner, as unresolved relationship issues and stressors can lead to low libido.

In conclusion, stress can come in many forms. The one thing you can count on is that it will be in your life. Try to remember that everyone handles stress differently. In other words, what causes one person to “stress-out” may be something that another person can easily handle. Remember, we have a choice about how we react to it. You and your partner can choose to lessen the effects of stress by communicating with each other. Communication also keeps one partner from feeling lonely, builds trust, shows commitment and can release the heavy burdens that you are feeling. Be kind, caring and show affection. Be aware of life’s stressors and don’t let them drive you and your partner apart.

Are you living with irritability, agitation, moodiness or anxiety? Does your body ache; are you lacking proper rest and do you sometimes feel like isolating yourself?

You are not alone- We are here to help!

 Come join others and learn how to take control of and reduce your stress in 4 short weeks through our “Stress Management and Reduction” group therapy sessions.

You will learn:

• Coping skills
•  Managing unhealthy thoughts
• Assertiveness
• Time management
• Mindfulness
• Problem solving

Where: 155 Belvedere Avenue, Charlottetown.

When: Thursday evenings from 6:30- 8:30 beginning April 11^th until May 2nd.

Cost: $150 for 4 sessions  

For more information or to register, please call 892-2441 or e-mail Christina@familyservice.pe.ca 

When we think about the word intimacy, often we have our own individual thoughts and feelings about what this word means. Intimacy can occur on many different levels within different types of relationships. As we grow and become older or more mature, our definition and experience of intimacy may alter and evolve.

What is Intimacy?

Intimacy has often been described as a feeling of closeness, a willingness to openly share personal thoughts with another person as well as spend time with that person.  Intimacy has been proposed as a fundamental human need (Birnie-Porter & Lydon, 2012).

Intimacy from an individual perspective was first explored by Erikson in 1963.  Erikson introduce intimacy not as a quality of a romantic couple but as a potential within the individual. His theory emphasized three elements of the capacity for intimacy: willingness to make a commitment to another person, ability to share at a deep personal level, and capacity to communicate inner thoughts and feelings.

Intimacy and Communication

According to Erikson, communicating inner thoughts and feelings is required in order to be intimate. Some individuals may disagree with Erikson and say that intimacy often doesn’t need words, however being able to vocalize one’s feelings and experiences makes intimacy more likely to occur.

We all have a comfort zone, for some of us sharing is easier for others. Think about your own comfort zone while you consider some of these questions:

• Are you and your partner able to let each other know how you feel about each other?
•  How do you communicate when you are sad, a little depressed, in need of some comforting and reassurance?
• Are you able to let yourself be dependent and to receive some nurturing?
• Do you really know what your partner thinks and feels, or do you have to guess and ‘mind-read’?
• Are you able to be open with your partner, or do you feel that your partner would not be able to accept some of your feelings?
• How do you feel about sex? Are you able to tell your partner what you like and don’t like in your love-making, and about how your sexual relationship could be made more enjoyable for you.

As you think about these questions, you must realize that being able to discuss these issues could help you understand each other better and become closer as a couple.

Sex and Intimacy

It has been said that romantic lovers clearly see sex as being an important part of intimacy. In a romantic relationship sexuality and intimacy are linked and may serve to strengthen or maintain the bond between the couple. The term “sexual intimacy” is frequently (and almost exclusively) used interchangeably with sexual activity by researchers in this field.

During a couple’s life together there will be times when sexual intimacy may alter and as a consequence affect their relationship. There are a wide variety of difficulties which may alter a couple’s sexual intimacy: A loss of desire, difficulty obtaining an erection, rapid ejaculation, retarded ejaculation, difficulty to obtain orgasm, pain during vaginal penetration, difficulty in getting aroused, fear of intimacy, poor self image, poor sexual self image, inhibitions, lack of knowledge about sexuality, among other issues.

These difficulties can arise as a result of physical conditions such as medical conditions, medical treatment and drugs, feeling tired, and exhausted or because of a partner’s relational difficulties such as, frustration, disappointment, lack of trust, betrayal, lack of respect, abuse, manipulation, boredom, etc.

Overcoming Difficulties

Often, when we are having these challenges it’s just a matter of patience and understanding, but sometimes people can get anxious, and this can challenge the relationship. Communication can begin to fail, and problems escalate.

Communication is the key in these situations. Start by expressing to your partner what is going well and reaffirm your positive feelings for him or her. Then you can say something like: “I’ve noticed that we’re struggling with … (mention the situation) … and I’m wondering, what’s your thought on it?” This makes it clear that you are willing to share the challenge, rather than to blame him/her.

If you are the one with the problem, state it clearly, and describe the feelings you have about the situation/issue (worried/embarrassed) and ask for help. When you need to make a request of your partner, you may try this: “I feel (frustrated/unhappy/uncomfortable) about (the way we …) and I would really appreciate if you would (state what you want)”.

Do not assume your partner knows what you are thinking; it is important to clarify any problems/situations so your partner will not feel blamed, ashamed or become defensive. By doing this, you will have helped your partner to understand exactly what the problem/situation is, and have given clear indications about what is needed in the future. Remember, when discussing sexually oriented issues, it is best to be clear, honest and tactful.

Sometimes talking can resolve issues, but for others it may take more effort resolve the situation. If sexual intimacy issues persist don’t wait passively for them to disappear take the steps necessary to get professional help. We are here to help you!

Published on October 5, 2010 by Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D. in Emotional Fitness

Setting Goals as a Couple

I believe that happiness comes from moving toward what you want, not necessarily getting it. What this means to you is that in order to be happy, couples need to have goals that they are moving toward. How can couples motivate and support each other to achieve individual and relationship goals? Here are ten steps that will enable you, and your partnership to create and reach your goals and keep your connection as a couple strong.

1. First, you must ensure that the individual and couple goals are in alignment. This alignment is critical for creating harmony and allowing you both to reach your dreams. Once that alignment is secure there is no limit to how much you can accomplish together

2. Talk about where you want to be and what you want to do in the next six months to two years. Next discuss, imagine and contemplate where you want your lives to be in five, ten and twenty years. Keep it positive and don’t poo-poo any ideas until you’ve had the chance to get them on

3. Make sure that the goals both of you strive for make you feel good about yourselves. You can’t achieve something that goes against your values. Sharing how your goals as a couple can benefit others as well as yourselves is a powerful and bonding experience.

4. Make sure your goals are specific, attainable and realistic. I believe in the old saying that, “If you shoot for the stars, maybe you’ll hit the moon,” but it makes more sense to keep the majority of your goals a little more earthbound.

5. Celebrate (and enjoy it) when you reach milestones, dreams or goals, and agree upon a reward system to help keep you motivated. For example, each time you accomplish a step toward your goals talk about how you feel about each other and how far you have come in your relationship, and then go out to dinner.

6. Create and arrangement that helps both of you stay accountable to the commitments you have made to each other. This is a sacred bond, it’s not a matter of reward or punishment, it’s an arrangement that helps support both of you as well as your relationship.

7. Give each other the room to achieve your desires by allowing (even supporting) your partner to experiment. As long as you agree to proceed with honor and dignity, you can be as creative as you like. Great ideas come from all kinds of places, you never know when something “off the wall” will open doors.

8. Agree with each other to seek and accept feedback. No one has all the answers so create a support structure to help you attain your desires. Couples whose relationship are supported by friends and family reach their goals and have happier relationships.

9. Write down and review your goals, and if you’re comfortable, post them somewhere where you can see them everyday. In a study done at Yale University, they found that people who wrote down their goals achieved them 97% more often than those who did not.

10. Remember that everything you do together has more than twice as much power as what you do alone. Creating goals as a couple or a family is not only healthy for your relationship, but should be fun as well.

Be sure to replace your accomplished dreams and goals with new ones. It really is a secret to happiness.

Creating goals as a couple is one of the most powerful and connecting things you can do. Have fun with it and see where it takes you, there is nothing better than sharing your success with someone you love.

Sourced from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201010/goals-are-relationship-necessity-here-are-10-tools-help

Family Service P.E.I is happy to welcome Ellan Dickieson to our team. Ellan assumes the new role of Education and Outreach Specialist located in the Summerside office.

Ellan holds a Master of Social Work from the University of Toronto and has experience in the government sector, as well as the not-for-profit sector. Most recently Ellan has spent time in Botswana, Africa where she was working with local non-governmental organizations to implement behaviour change programs.

Ellan will be working hard to increase our public profile and community partnerships. She will be available to provide educational presentations and workshops to the general public on our two main service areas, therapeutic counseling and credit counseling. We are excited to have Ellan on board!