ISLANDERS TO RECEIVE BETTER PROTECTION UNDER AMMENDED COLLECTION AGENCIES ACT

Family Service PEI Supportive of Changes

Family Service PEI is very supportive of the Prince Edward Island Government‘s amendments to the Collection Agencies Act. These amendments were developed after consultation with industry stakeholders and the public and will limit the allowable actions of debt settlement companies, including clear guidelines on the types of fees permitted and the requirement for written contracts that are shared and agreed to by all involved parties to be in place prior to the exchange of funds of any type.

“We have seen many Island families who have worked with these Agencies. The results they received, though costly, were often less than expected and in some cases non existent. This new legislation will help to change that,” says Denise Lockhart, Executive Director of Family Service PEI.

The Government of PEI has taken its duty to protect Islanders to heart; the changes to legislation means that vulnerable debt holders will be less likely to be taken advantage of as they face the challenges associated with taking control of their finances and reducing their level of debt.

With the implementation of the new legislation comes the need for Islanders to play their part in ensuring agencies abide by the regulations. “The legislation is only effective if people come forward and report the ill practice of these Agencies. The public needs to be actively involved and notify Consumer Services, their bank, Family Service PEI or a trusted source whenever they pay for a debt reduction service that achieves anything less than the anticipated result,” says Lockhart.

When looking for options to reduce debt levels Lockhart suggests that people use local community based organizations that have a physical presence. “It is always best when you can walk into an office, sit down with the professional and talk face to face. This will help ensure you receive quality service.”

Family Service PEI is a not-for-profit agency providing free Credit Counselling to all Islanders, helping people to examine all options for decreasing debt, including an analysis of lifestyle and spending habits in order to help people understand the warning signs that a financial crisis may be looming. Additionally, Family Service PEI provides affordable and effective Therapeutic Counselling services to Islanders as financial stress impacts many other areas of a person’s life.

***We are happy to present a series of articles on sexual and intimacy issues, written by our very own therapist Christina Campbell who has an extensive history working in the field of sexology. This series is the result of positive feedback from previous articles, and will cover topics that negatively affect couples. Please know that the content is intended for a mature audience and reader discretion is advised. Should you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact us using the contact page on our website.

Erectile Dysfunction and Your Relationship- Part 1

What Is Erectile Dysfunction (ED)?

Erectile dysfunction is the inability to attain or maintain an erection adequate for the sexual satisfaction of both partners. It can be troubling, even devastating, not only to a man but to the partner as well.

At one time, doctors tended to blame ED on psychological problems or with the normal aging process in older men. Today, urologists say physical factors underlie perhaps 90% of cases of persistent erectile dysfunction in men older than 50.

According to the Massachusetts Male Aging Study on sexual dysfunction, the problem can first emerge in a man as early as 40.

How does Erectile Dysfunction affect the relationship?

When a man has ED, it may affect and/or change his relationship with himself and his partner. The man may be embarrassed and even feel guilty, making it difficult to talk to his partner about this issue. ED has a direct impact on how it affects a man’s life, marriage and partner.

This can have an effect on issues of trust, intimacy, and closeness. The man may withdraw emotionally and physically because of fear of failure. As a result, the partner may start to believe that the man is losing interest, thereby impacting self-esteem and feelings of attractiveness.

When a man cannot perform intercourse and satisfy his own and his partner’s sexual needs, he can feel devastated and very much alone. From this cascade of events, the couple starts to alienate themselves emotionally and physically (Roy & Allen, 2004).

Though ED may indeed be common, it’s still stressful, and in a study conducted by Pfizer, research showed that most women, where their quality of life is concerned, rank ED higher in importance than menopausal symptoms, infertility, allergies, obesity, and insomnia.

In a series of focus groups, Pfizer researchers found that when faced with ED, women – and their partners – either acknowledged that they had a problem or denied the existence of a problem. “While this may be intuitive, our research showed that there are differences in how women acknowledge the problem and how they deny the problem,” says Janice Lipsky, PhD, senior marketing manager for the sexual health team at Pfizer.

How couples approached the problem?

Some couples are what Lipsky calls overcomers, with a strong desire to resolve ED. Others are re-signers, they admit there is a problem but decide not to seek treatment to resolve it.

Then there are avoiders, couples who refuse to admit and discuss ED, and, finally, alienators, partners who feel so angry that they not only withdraw from their relationship, but may even demean their partner or seek intimacy elsewhere.

Many couples are reluctant to even begin any kind of physical contact for fear of further disappointment.

For a partner who wants to help their significant other — as most do, says Donahey — understanding why ED occurs can help ease their concerns as well as allow them to help their partner confront the problem, something many men are hesitant to do.

In part 2- How you should approach the problem and treatment options.

If you read any parenting blog, magazine or website there always seems to be content on children or adolescents and the use of cell phones. Each one seems to have conflicting information: What age is the right age? How often can they use it? Who can they call? What can they use it for?

The truth is, a cookie cutter approach to parenting around cell phone use does not work, and in fact it rarely ever does. So there you are left wondering, “What is the norm? Am I doing this right? Will this ruin my relationship with my child?”

Ah- the joy of parenting!

A piece of advice; forget the blog, the magazine and Google and go back to the basics. Children are born without social knowledge or social skills, and they eagerly look for someone to imitate. That “someone” is more than likely you. You are your child’s first teacher and role model. They learn by watching you and they behave by following your example.

That being said, recently an article on the subject of parenting cell phone use came across my desk. Surprisingly enough it appeared to go back to the basics; it was based on common sense and logical reasoning. Included was a list of rules written by Janell Hoffman to her son Greg who had just gotten an iPhone from his parents. Let me highlight a few of the 18 rules.

#3- If it rings, answer it. It is a phone. Say hello, use your manners. Do not ever ignore a phone call id the screen reads “Mom” or “Dad”. Not ever.

#4- Hand the phone to one of your parents promptly at 7:30pm every school night and every weekend night at 9:00pm.

#7- Do not use this technology to lie, fool, or deceive another human being. Do not involve yourself in conversations that are hurtful to others. Be a good friend first or stay the hell out of the crossfire.

#8-9- Do not text, email, or say anything through this device you would not say in person.

#11- Turn it off, silence it, put it away in public; especially in a restaurant, at the movies, or while speaking with another human being. You are not a ride person; do not allow your phone to change that.

#13-Don’t take a zillion pictures and videos. There is no need to document everything. Live your experiences. They will be stored in your memory forever.

#14- Leave your phone at home sometimes and feel safe and secure in that decision. It is not alive or an extension of you. Learn to live without it. Be bigger and more powerful than FOMO- fear of missing out.

#17- Keep your eyes up. See the world happening around you. Stare out a window. Listen to the birds. Take a walk. Talk to a stranger. Wonder without Googling.

My first reaction to this list was, “I like it…but we as adults don’t even follow these rules, so how can we expect children to?”

Many adults justify their behaviour by saying that we gain privilege with age. I however believe this is only an excuse and we should not set double standards.

So why as parents do we find ourselves texting at supper, talking on the phone in the car, or scrolling through Facebook while helping our child with their homework? According to Author Sherry Turkle, PhD, and professor in MIT’s Program in Science, Technology, and Society, we love to multitask!

“The reason multitasking feels so good [is that] our brains give us extra shots of dopamine [a brain neurotransmitter that affects mood] for every new task we multitask. We’re actually being rewarded chemically for every new task. But with every new task our performance is degrading. So if you’re emailing and putting contacts in the Rolodex, maybe it’s OK if your performance is a little degraded. Those things are degradable. But when we use these technologies of efficiency and bring them into our intimacies, we bring them into an area where we do ourselves damage.”

Our intimate human relationships should not be compromised; this involves our relationship with our children.  Although accomplishing multiple things at once is clearly rewarding, the practice of mindfulness can also have huge benefits.  Mindfulness means being aware, paying close attention, and being continuously present. Practicing mindfulness can have huge rewards and benefits for not only you, but your children and family.

As the parent, take on the responsibility of setting a stand for your children. Sit down and speak with your spouse and children about what this will look like, and define a “mobile culture” for your household. Remember, the number one key to success is having the whole team on board!

(https://scopeblog.stanford.edu/2011/02/11/parent-child_relationships/)

Why do women stop wanting sex?

Nearly half of all women will suffer from lost libido.

A woman’s sexual desires naturally fluctuates over the years. Highs and lows commonly coincide with the beginning or end of a relationship or with major life changes, such as pregnancy, declining hormones, menopause, job stress, illness, relationship issues, or even medication.

Loss of sexual desire is also known in medical terms as hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). This disorder is the most common form of sexual dysfunction among women of all ages, and less observed in men.

A recent study showed that nearly one-third of women aged 18 to 59 suffered from a lost interest in sex, and it’s not all in their heads.

When a woman loses interest in sex, the impact on both her and her partner can be catastrophic.

‘There is no question that this is causing depression and a whole host of headaches, pains and other apparently unconnected physical problems,’ says Mike Perring, a sexual psychotherapist at University College Hospital, London. ‘Good sex is part of general well-being for most people.’ Perring says that loss of sexual desire is a principal reason behind relationship breakdowns.

So what do experts believe lies behind this decline in women’s libidos? And can it be treated effectively?

Because woman’s desire for sex is based on a complex interaction of many components affecting intimacy (physical well-being, emotional well-being, experiences, beliefs, lifestyle and current relationship) it would be not only essential to obtain a detailed assessment in order to understand what factors are playing an important role, but also to know what actions should be taken to increase the sexual drive.

Here are some physical causes that women may experience which can lower the sex drive. These causes may include pain during sex or an inability to orgasm, arthritis, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure or coronary artery disease. Don’t forget, too much alcohol and illegal drugs can also decrease your sex drive.

Although many women continue to have satisfying sex during menopause and beyond, some women experience a lagging libido during this hormonal change. Estrogen levels drop during the transition to menopause. This can cause decreased interest in sex and dryer vaginal tissues, resulting in painful or uncomfortable sex. At the same time, women may also experience a decrease in the hormone testosterone, which boosts sex drive in men and women. Hormone changes during pregnancy, just after having a baby and during breast-feeding can put a damper on one’s sex drive. Of course, hormones aren’t the only factor affecting intimacy during these times.

Fatigue, changes in body image and the pressures of carrying, or caring for a new baby can all contribute to changes in your sexual desire. The exhaustion of caring for others (young and old) or surgery related to your breasts or your genital tract can be a contributor.

Psychological Issues: There are also psychological causes of low sex drive, including;

 Mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression
 Stress, such as financial stress or work stress
 Poor body image
 Low self-esteem
 History of physical or sexual abuse
Relationship Issues: For many women, emotional closeness is an essential prelude to sexual intimacy. So problems in your relationship can be a major factor in low sex drive. Decreased interest in sex is often a result of ongoing issues, such as:

 Lack of connection with your partner
 Unresolved conflicts or fights
 Poor communication of sexual needs and preferences
 Infidelity or breach of trust

In regard to approaching this sexual issue, recommendations may include sex education, counselling and sometimes medication. During the screening, as was mentioned before, it is important to know what type of medication the client is taking, and often a switch in medication can improve the sex drive. In addition, talking to the counsellor or therapist, he or she can often include education about sexual response, techniques and recommendations for reading materials or couples’ exercises to improve the sexual desire.

Medical treatment for low sexual desire has become increasingly popular. When considering treatments such as hormone therapy, it is very important to that you have a detailed discussion with your medical doctor and partner to determine if the treatment is safe and the best option for you and your partner.

Sources:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/low-sex-drive-in-women/DS01043/DSECTION=treatments-and-drugs

http://marriage.about.com/cs/lowsexdrive/a/lowlibido.htm

Nappi, R. et al. (2010). Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: can we treat it with drugs? Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 25(3), 264–274.

Buying a home is a big deal. It is a long commitment (think 25 years) and a lot of debt. It’s certainly nothing to sneeze at. If you’ve hashed out the rent versus buy debate and have decided that for you, buying is what you want, you’ll want to think about how much home you can actually afford before you go home-hunting.

These days, the big banks are pretty uptight about loaning Average Joe money and will scrutinize your application much more than in the past. The Canadian banks are trying not to let a housing crisis occur (though some may beg to differ that nothing can stop this tsunami) and therefore are more evaluative in terms of loaning you money.

Thinking about the criteria to determine how much home you can afford from a bank’s perspective and from your own perspective is important before you take that plunge and make an offer.

The Banks Approach

In order to see how much money they should loan you (and to make sure you’re not just shooting the breeze when you say you made $75,000 last year), the banks will ask for your:

• Recent pay stub
• Recent bank statement
• Recent investment statements
• Latest T4

They use this information to see if you are a good candidate to lend money to. The banks typically do not loan you money that is more than 32% of your gross income should go to mortgage expenses. Though they would likely lend you more than the Housing Affordability Index would recommend. After tax, that translates to even less dedicated to shelter expenses, which are mortgage, property taxes, utility bills, and maintenance fees, if applicable.

When you think about affordability, you need to also think about whether you will choose a fixed or a variable rate, and how many years of amortization you are going to opt for. Differences in these can affect your cash flow and how much home you can afford.

Your Approach

Obviously, the bank will pre-approve you for more money than you should really borrow. They are in the business to make money (mortgage interest) off you. Be wary of only borrowing how much you can really afford.

It also is different for everyone. Some people like to have a bit more risk than others, and will be more comfortable with more debt for potentially more gain (e.g. buying a home versus a condo). Others are happier with less risk and more diversification outside of real estate, like buying equities and ETFs.

Related: Check Out Our Book on ETF Investing

According to The Canada Housing Mortgage Corporation, a good rule of thumb is to multiple the amount of home that you can afford from your total income by three times. The total debt payments should be no more than 40% of gross income. In addition, drafting up a budget that includes your total home payments and all the other monthly expenses (savings, groceries, entertainment, utilities) is also helpful to assist in gauging how much home can be affordable. If you are not a paycheque to paycheque type of person, you will greatly benefit from knowing in advance just how much it is going to cost to own that home you just developed emotional attachment to.

Another thing to think about before you buy that home are the costs of buying and selling your home. If you are a first time home buyer and are buying a home that costs less than $450,000 in B.C., you are entitled to a waiver of the property transfer tax, which can cost approximately $5000 on a $350,000 home. Also, think about the realtor costs when you eventually sell the home (depending on what your timeline is) and the GST on the home if applicable. The realtor costs can be quite expensive, as it is usually 3.5% on the first $100,000 and 2.25% on the balance.

Related: House Hunting Tips – Dual Agency Realtor

As we all know, the pride of home ownership comes at a steep cost. If the cost of home ownership is overwhelming for you (if that variable rate will keep you up at night), you may want to reconsider the rent versus buy debate and rent instead of buy.

Temptations; they come in all forms, shapes and sizes. They are sometimes small, they are sometimes big, but one thing is sure- we will face them every single day. For those of us engaged in a serious relationship one of the many temptations we may face is cheating. Yes I said it- Cheating. It sounds like a dirty word, one associated with bad people, evil and the dark side. But let’s face it, we are all only human and some of us are much more easily tempted. So when does someone cross that line and enter the cheating world? Is it when I think about that person non-stop and become emotionally attached? Is it when we exchange naughty text messages, or when we engage in a sexual act? Point being- cheating is multi-layered, it occurs on many different levels, but one thing is certain- regardless of how you are doing it, it can be significantly hurtful to your partner in various ways.

Emotional Cheating-

You enjoy their attention, you have long conversations, and you have lunch together and genuinely enjoy their company. The problem is that they are not your best friend or your spouse. They may be your old college boyfriend, a long time friend or a coworker, but one thing for certain is that your spouse does not know about the close relationship you share.

So what is the big deal if the relationship is not sexual? If there is no infidelity can you really call it cheating? Emotional cheating can have severe impacts on your relationship as you slowly withdraw from your significant other and leave yourself open to being emotionally satisfied from another source. For many, knowing your partner is being secretive, lying, and deceiving you, is much more difficult to overcome than having your partner cheat in a sexual manner. Although sexual intimacy in a relationship is important, emotional intimacy can be the glue which holds the couple together. Once trust has been broken you may be left wondering what is left of the relationship.

Digital Cheating-

We are living in a technological time when cheating can involve little effort and be much less formal. You can call it texting, sexting or chexting, fact being you are using an electronic device to communicate with someone besides your significant other, and the lingo is getting hot and heavy. Next thing you know your clothes may be carried away into cyberspace and you are living a digital dream.

Digital cheating can start off as an innocent conversation and escalate quickly. Often there is a sense of security and detachment, as the person is at distance and you are blocked by a screen. This leads to people disclosing personal information or acting in a manner that they may not otherwise.

When caught you may tell your partner it meant nothing and it was harmless- I mean you never did meet up with the person and there was no sexual encounter. But like emotional cheating, you enjoyed the attention, the long conversations and the company they provided you; leaving your partner wondering what your relationship is missing that would cause you to supplement in this manner. Digital cheating can be the beginning of a much larger indiscretion; it is a slippery slope, one that you should stay far away from before you end up in a landslide.

Sexual Cheating-

Digital cheating is fun, emotional cheating means you’ve likely checked out of your marriage, but if it’s just sex, it’s less about attachment and more about an insensitive slip-up. Those who have sexual extra-marital affairs may be still in love with their spouse, and despite popular belief, men and women are both equally guilty. So why risk so much for a simple romp in the hay when you genuinely love your spouse?

Imagine this: You are married, you have a few kids, the honey moon is over and your sexy spouse is now becoming your companion and partner. You are completely satisfied with the security they provide and their sense of responsibility, but the relationship is lacking in the romance department. People who cheat haven’t necessarily fallen out of love; they’ve become unsatisfied with it. In fact, many people may cheat to try and save their marriage, thinking that once their romantic or sexual needs have been fulfilled they will be able to return to their spouse and feel completely satisfied as that longing for something more will have disappeared.

The reality is that you may hate yourself after a sexual affair, actually maybe after any affair. Chances are the guilt and shame will outweigh any positive emotions, leaving you feeling like a piece of garbage. The good news, although not recommended, is that cheating can re-kindle a marriage. Generally this is the case when the cheating is a one or two time slip up, not an extended sexual affair. Although people may see an affair as exciting, often they discover that the new relationship is not as perfect as they had anticipated and discover themselves more willing to work on their relationship with their spouse.

Temptations will always be present. Sometimes they will be obvious and sometimes they will creep up on you.  It is your responsibility to recognize them before they turn from a temptation into a problem. Be aware of your own personal boundaries and be sure to have an open conversation with your partner about setting limits within your relationship. Remember, the idea of being pushed into the arms of another is an expression, not a reality.