When we think about the word intimacy, often we have our own individual thoughts and feelings about what this word means. Intimacy can occur on many different levels within different types of relationships. As we grow and become older or more mature, our definition and experience of intimacy may alter and evolve.
What is Intimacy?
Intimacy has often been described as a feeling of closeness, a willingness to openly share personal thoughts with another person as well as spend time with that person. Intimacy has been proposed as a fundamental human need (Birnie-Porter & Lydon, 2012).
Intimacy from an individual perspective was first explored by Erikson in 1963. Erikson introduce intimacy not as a quality of a romantic couple but as a potential within the individual. His theory emphasized three elements of the capacity for intimacy: willingness to make a commitment to another person, ability to share at a deep personal level, and capacity to communicate inner thoughts and feelings.
Intimacy and Communication
According to Erikson, communicating inner thoughts and feelings is required in order to be intimate. Some individuals may disagree with Erikson and say that intimacy often doesn’t need words, however being able to vocalize one’s feelings and experiences makes intimacy more likely to occur.
We all have a comfort zone, for some of us sharing is easier for others. Think about your own comfort zone while you consider some of these questions:
- Are you and your partner able to let each other know how you feel about each other?
- How do you communicate when you are sad, a little depressed, in need of some comforting and reassurance?
- Are you able to let yourself be dependent and to receive some nurturing?
- Do you really know what your partner thinks and feels, or do you have to guess and ‘mind-read’?
- Are you able to be open with your partner, or do you feel that your partner would not be able to accept some of your feelings?
- How do you feel about sex? Are you able to tell your partner what you like and don’t like in your love-making, and about how your sexual relationship could be made more enjoyable for you.
As you think about these questions, you must realize that being able to discuss these issues could help you understand each other better and become closer as a couple.
Sex and Intimacy
It has been said that romantic lovers clearly see sex as being an important part of intimacy. In a romantic relationship sexuality and intimacy are linked and may serve to strengthen or maintain the bond between the couple. The term “sexual intimacy” is frequently (and almost exclusively) used interchangeably with sexual activity by researchers in this field.
During a couple’s life together there will be times when sexual intimacy may alter and as a consequence affect their relationship. There are a wide variety of difficulties which may alter a couple’s sexual intimacy: A loss of desire, difficulty obtaining an erection, rapid ejaculation, retarded ejaculation, difficulty to obtain orgasm, pain during vaginal penetration, difficulty in getting aroused, fear of intimacy, poor self image, poor sexual self image, inhibitions, lack of knowledge about sexuality, among other issues.
These difficulties can arise as a result of physical conditions such as medical conditions, medical treatment and drugs, feeling tired, and exhausted or because of a partner’s relational difficulties such as, frustration, disappointment, lack of trust, betrayal, lack of respect, abuse, manipulation, boredom, etc.
Overcoming Difficulties
Often, when we are having these challenges it’s just a matter of patience and understanding, but sometimes people can get anxious, and this can challenge the relationship. Communication can begin to fail, and problems escalate.
Communication is the key in these situations. Start by expressing to your partner what is going well and reaffirm your positive feelings for him or her. Then you can say something like: “I’ve noticed that we’re struggling with … (mention the situation) … and I’m wondering, what’s your thought on it?” This makes it clear that you are willing to share the challenge, rather than to blame him/her.
If you are the one with the problem, state it clearly, and describe the feelings you have about the situation/issue (worried/embarrassed) and ask for help. When you need to make a request of your partner, you may try this: “I feel (frustrated/unhappy/uncomfortable) about (the way we …) and I would really appreciate if you would (state what you want)”.
Do not assume your partner knows what you are thinking; it is important to clarify any problems/situations so your partner will not feel blamed, ashamed or become defensive. By doing this, you will have helped your partner to understand exactly what the problem/situation is, and have given clear indications about what is needed in the future. Remember, when discussing sexually oriented issues, it is best to be clear, honest and tactful.
Sometimes talking can resolve issues, but for others it may take more effort resolve the situation. If sexual intimacy issues persist don’t wait passively for them to disappear take the steps necessary to get professional help. We are here to help you!