Why do women stop wanting sex?

Nearly half of all women will suffer from lost libido.

A woman’s sexual desires naturally fluctuates over the years. Highs and lows commonly coincide with the beginning or end of a relationship or with major life changes, such as pregnancy, declining hormones, menopause, job stress, illness, relationship issues, or even medication.

Loss of sexual desire is also known in medical terms as hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). This disorder is the most common form of sexual dysfunction among women of all ages, and less observed in men.

A recent study showed that nearly one-third of women aged 18 to 59 suffered from a lost interest in sex, and it’s not all in their heads.

When a woman loses interest in sex, the impact on both her and her partner can be catastrophic.

‘There is no question that this is causing depression and a whole host of headaches, pains and other apparently unconnected physical problems,’ says Mike Perring, a sexual psychotherapist at University College Hospital, London. ‘Good sex is part of general well-being for most people.’ Perring says that loss of sexual desire is a principal reason behind relationship breakdowns.

So what do experts believe lies behind this decline in women’s libidos? And can it be treated effectively?

Because woman’s desire for sex is based on a complex interaction of many components affecting intimacy (physical well-being, emotional well-being, experiences, beliefs, lifestyle and current relationship) it would be not only essential to obtain a detailed assessment in order to understand what factors are playing an important role, but also to know what actions should be taken to increase the sexual drive.

Here are some physical causes that women may experience which can lower the sex drive. These causes may include pain during sex or an inability to orgasm, arthritis, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure or coronary artery disease. Don’t forget, too much alcohol and illegal drugs can also decrease your sex drive.

Although many women continue to have satisfying sex during menopause and beyond, some women experience a lagging libido during this hormonal change. Estrogen levels drop during the transition to menopause. This can cause decreased interest in sex and dryer vaginal tissues, resulting in painful or uncomfortable sex. At the same time, women may also experience a decrease in the hormone testosterone, which boosts sex drive in men and women. Hormone changes during pregnancy, just after having a baby and during breast-feeding can put a damper on one’s sex drive. Of course, hormones aren’t the only factor affecting intimacy during these times.

Fatigue, changes in body image and the pressures of carrying, or caring for a new baby can all contribute to changes in your sexual desire. The exhaustion of caring for others (young and old) or surgery related to your breasts or your genital tract can be a contributor.

Psychological Issues: There are also psychological causes of low sex drive, including;

 Mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression
 Stress, such as financial stress or work stress
 Poor body image
 Low self-esteem
 History of physical or sexual abuse
Relationship Issues: For many women, emotional closeness is an essential prelude to sexual intimacy. So problems in your relationship can be a major factor in low sex drive. Decreased interest in sex is often a result of ongoing issues, such as:

 Lack of connection with your partner
 Unresolved conflicts or fights
 Poor communication of sexual needs and preferences
 Infidelity or breach of trust

In regard to approaching this sexual issue, recommendations may include sex education, counselling and sometimes medication. During the screening, as was mentioned before, it is important to know what type of medication the client is taking, and often a switch in medication can improve the sex drive. In addition, talking to the counsellor or therapist, he or she can often include education about sexual response, techniques and recommendations for reading materials or couples’ exercises to improve the sexual desire.

Medical treatment for low sexual desire has become increasingly popular. When considering treatments such as hormone therapy, it is very important to that you have a detailed discussion with your medical doctor and partner to determine if the treatment is safe and the best option for you and your partner.

Sources:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/low-sex-drive-in-women/DS01043/DSECTION=treatments-and-drugs

http://marriage.about.com/cs/lowsexdrive/a/lowlibido.htm

Nappi, R. et al. (2010). Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: can we treat it with drugs? Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 25(3), 264–274.

Buying a home is a big deal. It is a long commitment (think 25 years) and a lot of debt. It’s certainly nothing to sneeze at. If you’ve hashed out the rent versus buy debate and have decided that for you, buying is what you want, you’ll want to think about how much home you can actually afford before you go home-hunting.

These days, the big banks are pretty uptight about loaning Average Joe money and will scrutinize your application much more than in the past. The Canadian banks are trying not to let a housing crisis occur (though some may beg to differ that nothing can stop this tsunami) and therefore are more evaluative in terms of loaning you money.

Thinking about the criteria to determine how much home you can afford from a bank’s perspective and from your own perspective is important before you take that plunge and make an offer.

The Banks Approach

In order to see how much money they should loan you (and to make sure you’re not just shooting the breeze when you say you made $75,000 last year), the banks will ask for your:

• Recent pay stub
• Recent bank statement
• Recent investment statements
• Latest T4

They use this information to see if you are a good candidate to lend money to. The banks typically do not loan you money that is more than 32% of your gross income should go to mortgage expenses. Though they would likely lend you more than the Housing Affordability Index would recommend. After tax, that translates to even less dedicated to shelter expenses, which are mortgage, property taxes, utility bills, and maintenance fees, if applicable.

When you think about affordability, you need to also think about whether you will choose a fixed or a variable rate, and how many years of amortization you are going to opt for. Differences in these can affect your cash flow and how much home you can afford.

Your Approach

Obviously, the bank will pre-approve you for more money than you should really borrow. They are in the business to make money (mortgage interest) off you. Be wary of only borrowing how much you can really afford.

It also is different for everyone. Some people like to have a bit more risk than others, and will be more comfortable with more debt for potentially more gain (e.g. buying a home versus a condo). Others are happier with less risk and more diversification outside of real estate, like buying equities and ETFs.

Related: Check Out Our Book on ETF Investing

According to The Canada Housing Mortgage Corporation, a good rule of thumb is to multiple the amount of home that you can afford from your total income by three times. The total debt payments should be no more than 40% of gross income. In addition, drafting up a budget that includes your total home payments and all the other monthly expenses (savings, groceries, entertainment, utilities) is also helpful to assist in gauging how much home can be affordable. If you are not a paycheque to paycheque type of person, you will greatly benefit from knowing in advance just how much it is going to cost to own that home you just developed emotional attachment to.

Another thing to think about before you buy that home are the costs of buying and selling your home. If you are a first time home buyer and are buying a home that costs less than $450,000 in B.C., you are entitled to a waiver of the property transfer tax, which can cost approximately $5000 on a $350,000 home. Also, think about the realtor costs when you eventually sell the home (depending on what your timeline is) and the GST on the home if applicable. The realtor costs can be quite expensive, as it is usually 3.5% on the first $100,000 and 2.25% on the balance.

Related: House Hunting Tips – Dual Agency Realtor

As we all know, the pride of home ownership comes at a steep cost. If the cost of home ownership is overwhelming for you (if that variable rate will keep you up at night), you may want to reconsider the rent versus buy debate and rent instead of buy.

Temptations; they come in all forms, shapes and sizes. They are sometimes small, they are sometimes big, but one thing is sure- we will face them every single day. For those of us engaged in a serious relationship one of the many temptations we may face is cheating. Yes I said it- Cheating. It sounds like a dirty word, one associated with bad people, evil and the dark side. But let’s face it, we are all only human and some of us are much more easily tempted. So when does someone cross that line and enter the cheating world? Is it when I think about that person non-stop and become emotionally attached? Is it when we exchange naughty text messages, or when we engage in a sexual act? Point being- cheating is multi-layered, it occurs on many different levels, but one thing is certain- regardless of how you are doing it, it can be significantly hurtful to your partner in various ways.

Emotional Cheating-

You enjoy their attention, you have long conversations, and you have lunch together and genuinely enjoy their company. The problem is that they are not your best friend or your spouse. They may be your old college boyfriend, a long time friend or a coworker, but one thing for certain is that your spouse does not know about the close relationship you share.

So what is the big deal if the relationship is not sexual? If there is no infidelity can you really call it cheating? Emotional cheating can have severe impacts on your relationship as you slowly withdraw from your significant other and leave yourself open to being emotionally satisfied from another source. For many, knowing your partner is being secretive, lying, and deceiving you, is much more difficult to overcome than having your partner cheat in a sexual manner. Although sexual intimacy in a relationship is important, emotional intimacy can be the glue which holds the couple together. Once trust has been broken you may be left wondering what is left of the relationship.

Digital Cheating-

We are living in a technological time when cheating can involve little effort and be much less formal. You can call it texting, sexting or chexting, fact being you are using an electronic device to communicate with someone besides your significant other, and the lingo is getting hot and heavy. Next thing you know your clothes may be carried away into cyberspace and you are living a digital dream.

Digital cheating can start off as an innocent conversation and escalate quickly. Often there is a sense of security and detachment, as the person is at distance and you are blocked by a screen. This leads to people disclosing personal information or acting in a manner that they may not otherwise.

When caught you may tell your partner it meant nothing and it was harmless- I mean you never did meet up with the person and there was no sexual encounter. But like emotional cheating, you enjoyed the attention, the long conversations and the company they provided you; leaving your partner wondering what your relationship is missing that would cause you to supplement in this manner. Digital cheating can be the beginning of a much larger indiscretion; it is a slippery slope, one that you should stay far away from before you end up in a landslide.

Sexual Cheating-

Digital cheating is fun, emotional cheating means you’ve likely checked out of your marriage, but if it’s just sex, it’s less about attachment and more about an insensitive slip-up. Those who have sexual extra-marital affairs may be still in love with their spouse, and despite popular belief, men and women are both equally guilty. So why risk so much for a simple romp in the hay when you genuinely love your spouse?

Imagine this: You are married, you have a few kids, the honey moon is over and your sexy spouse is now becoming your companion and partner. You are completely satisfied with the security they provide and their sense of responsibility, but the relationship is lacking in the romance department. People who cheat haven’t necessarily fallen out of love; they’ve become unsatisfied with it. In fact, many people may cheat to try and save their marriage, thinking that once their romantic or sexual needs have been fulfilled they will be able to return to their spouse and feel completely satisfied as that longing for something more will have disappeared.

The reality is that you may hate yourself after a sexual affair, actually maybe after any affair. Chances are the guilt and shame will outweigh any positive emotions, leaving you feeling like a piece of garbage. The good news, although not recommended, is that cheating can re-kindle a marriage. Generally this is the case when the cheating is a one or two time slip up, not an extended sexual affair. Although people may see an affair as exciting, often they discover that the new relationship is not as perfect as they had anticipated and discover themselves more willing to work on their relationship with their spouse.

Temptations will always be present. Sometimes they will be obvious and sometimes they will creep up on you.  It is your responsibility to recognize them before they turn from a temptation into a problem. Be aware of your own personal boundaries and be sure to have an open conversation with your partner about setting limits within your relationship. Remember, the idea of being pushed into the arms of another is an expression, not a reality.

By Gail Vaz Oxlade

Sourced from: http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/4451

One of the premises of my new TV show (I’m told it’s airing on Slice on April 18 at 11:00 p.m.) is that people just won’t talk about their money. Even when they’re getting married. Even when they’ve BEEN married. Even when it might make all the difference to their relationship with their sibs, their parents, their kids. Is money such a defining thing in our lives that we’re hesitant because of what we think our money will say about us?

When I was making $6,500 a year as a secretary, I didn’t define myself by the amount of money that I made. When I was making $150,000 as a training consultant, the money didn’t mean I was substantially smarter. And when my income dropped away as I prioritized kids over career, the money I was making didn’t say much about who I was as a person.

Some people are quite open about their money. But there are loads of people who think that their incomes say something about who they are. Or the folks who don’t want to get into a discussion that might result in them having to change something they’re doing. Or the people who just point-blank refuse to think about money at all.

It goes without saying that on a website devoted to money, the audience is self-selecting. I was pleased to see that the people who visit this site are very often open-minded and willing to talk about money.

When I asked peeps to tell me if they find it easy to talk to their partners about money, of the 702 people who responded to the poll, 37% said they found it very easy, and that they were of like minds. Forty-three percent said they sometimes disagree with their partners, while the remaining 20% refuse to talk about money.

Hey, even if you disagree, as long as you’re talking about the money you’re headed in the right direction. And as for those who are completely on the same page, you’ve eliminated a huge bone of contention by choosing a partner with a similar agenda. The 20% who just can’t get into the discussion are going to have a long road to walk.

This is the same 20% that fight about money all the time based on the poll that asked how often partners fight over money. What a horrible way to live? And if you can’t come to terms, what will it take to keep you working together as a couple when the caca hits the fan? Or are you just hanging on for dear life because you can’t imagine letting go?

You don’t have to be two peas in a pod when it comes to your spending and savings habits to make the money work. In fact, when I asked, “Do you and your partner have the same spending/saving habits?” only 22% said they were very alike. Other than the 10% who fight like cats and dogs, the rest acknowledge their differences and either those difference don’t cause a problem (44%), or they’ve found ways to cope (24%).

For all the folks that still can’t find a way to have a civilized money conversation with their mate at least once a week, you have my sympathies. It’s a tough road you’re walking. No doubt there will be stumbles along the way. I hope you’re both strong enough to make it through.

Ever wonder what it takes to be an employee of Family Service PEI? Well this past month the Employment Journey took the time to find out! Read the article below to learn from our Executive Director, Denise Lockhart  the requirements to be a financial, personal and family counsellor.

http://www.employmentjourney.com/archives/EJMar13_13.pdf

Just as prolonged stress affects health, so too can it affect one’s sex life. Stress is perhaps the number one culprit in men’s and women’s low sexual desire. Too much stress often chips away a person’s libido (desire), by affecting hormones and mood, and by interfering with the quality time that helps a couple stay connected.

To avoid a sexual disconnect with your partner, it is important that you take the time to free yourself of stress; allowing you to joy life’s finer moments. Here are some ideas of how to do just that:

Exercise: Becoming active is the quickest and easiest way to lessen the effects of stress. Exercise might be the last thing you want to do after a long day at work, but just 20 to 30 minutes spent breaking a sweat can rid your body of stress and recharge you for the night. If the treadmill isn’t your thing, try swimming, tennis, yoga or a Pilates class.

Rearrange Your Schedule: If you often find yourself stressed near the end of the day, try changing your schedule to improve your mood. Tackle big projects in the morning when you have more energy, and don’t forget to rest and recharge throughout the day. Spend 90 minutes completely focused on the task at hand, followed by a 5 to 10 minute break to do some deep breathing, listen to some music, or walk to the post office. By giving yourself just a small break, you can improve your mental function and get back in the game.

Let It Go: Easier said than done, right? Not really. Remember that you are in charge of your mental space and only you can determine your mood and your outlook. Start creating a positive mood before the day even begins.

Reduce Obligations In Your Life. If you get organized, prioritize only important commitments in your life and say no to other activities that take up your time, you can reduce the overall level of stress you experience in your life; giving you more time and energy on your hands and less stress in your life. This all contributes to a healthy libido.

Get Enough Sleep. Sleep deprivation can damage your entire system and make you feel more stressed. If you can’t get enough sleep at night, you might try a power nap to achieve some of the same benefits. This may help you preserve more energy for nighttime activities.

Have A Good Laugh. It’s often said that laughter is the shortest distance between two people. Laughter is also an excellent stress reliever and delivers great benefits to your body and soul. Try to unwind with a funny TV show or book, or make it a point to share some laughs with the one you love.

Schedule Time for Intimacy. Being stressed and busy (especially after a new baby or a major change), can cause us to feel more detached in our relationship. If you make it a point to find time for emotionally nurturing conversation, you will feel more connected and most likely more amorous with your partner. Also, by talking about your current stressors you will get it off your chest preventing you from being burdened by the excess stress your problems bring. This will help you feel closer to your partner, as unresolved relationship issues and stressors can lead to low libido.

In conclusion, stress can come in many forms. The one thing you can count on is that it will be in your life. Try to remember that everyone handles stress differently. In other words, what causes one person to “stress-out” may be something that another person can easily handle. Remember, we have a choice about how we react to it. You and your partner can choose to lessen the effects of stress by communicating with each other. Communication also keeps one partner from feeling lonely, builds trust, shows commitment and can release the heavy burdens that you are feeling. Be kind, caring and show affection. Be aware of life’s stressors and don’t let them drive you and your partner apart.

Are you living with irritability, agitation, moodiness or anxiety? Does your body ache; are you lacking proper rest and do you sometimes feel like isolating yourself?

You are not alone- We are here to help!

 Come join others and learn how to take control of and reduce your stress in 4 short weeks through our “Stress Management and Reduction” group therapy sessions.

You will learn:

• Coping skills
•  Managing unhealthy thoughts
• Assertiveness
• Time management
• Mindfulness
• Problem solving

Where: 155 Belvedere Avenue, Charlottetown.

When: Thursday evenings from 6:30- 8:30 beginning April 11^th until May 2nd.

Cost: $150 for 4 sessions  

For more information or to register, please call 892-2441 or e-mail Christina@familyservice.pe.ca 

When we think about the word intimacy, often we have our own individual thoughts and feelings about what this word means. Intimacy can occur on many different levels within different types of relationships. As we grow and become older or more mature, our definition and experience of intimacy may alter and evolve.

What is Intimacy?

Intimacy has often been described as a feeling of closeness, a willingness to openly share personal thoughts with another person as well as spend time with that person.  Intimacy has been proposed as a fundamental human need (Birnie-Porter & Lydon, 2012).

Intimacy from an individual perspective was first explored by Erikson in 1963.  Erikson introduce intimacy not as a quality of a romantic couple but as a potential within the individual. His theory emphasized three elements of the capacity for intimacy: willingness to make a commitment to another person, ability to share at a deep personal level, and capacity to communicate inner thoughts and feelings.

Intimacy and Communication

According to Erikson, communicating inner thoughts and feelings is required in order to be intimate. Some individuals may disagree with Erikson and say that intimacy often doesn’t need words, however being able to vocalize one’s feelings and experiences makes intimacy more likely to occur.

We all have a comfort zone, for some of us sharing is easier for others. Think about your own comfort zone while you consider some of these questions:

• Are you and your partner able to let each other know how you feel about each other?
•  How do you communicate when you are sad, a little depressed, in need of some comforting and reassurance?
• Are you able to let yourself be dependent and to receive some nurturing?
• Do you really know what your partner thinks and feels, or do you have to guess and ‘mind-read’?
• Are you able to be open with your partner, or do you feel that your partner would not be able to accept some of your feelings?
• How do you feel about sex? Are you able to tell your partner what you like and don’t like in your love-making, and about how your sexual relationship could be made more enjoyable for you.

As you think about these questions, you must realize that being able to discuss these issues could help you understand each other better and become closer as a couple.

Sex and Intimacy

It has been said that romantic lovers clearly see sex as being an important part of intimacy. In a romantic relationship sexuality and intimacy are linked and may serve to strengthen or maintain the bond between the couple. The term “sexual intimacy” is frequently (and almost exclusively) used interchangeably with sexual activity by researchers in this field.

During a couple’s life together there will be times when sexual intimacy may alter and as a consequence affect their relationship. There are a wide variety of difficulties which may alter a couple’s sexual intimacy: A loss of desire, difficulty obtaining an erection, rapid ejaculation, retarded ejaculation, difficulty to obtain orgasm, pain during vaginal penetration, difficulty in getting aroused, fear of intimacy, poor self image, poor sexual self image, inhibitions, lack of knowledge about sexuality, among other issues.

These difficulties can arise as a result of physical conditions such as medical conditions, medical treatment and drugs, feeling tired, and exhausted or because of a partner’s relational difficulties such as, frustration, disappointment, lack of trust, betrayal, lack of respect, abuse, manipulation, boredom, etc.

Overcoming Difficulties

Often, when we are having these challenges it’s just a matter of patience and understanding, but sometimes people can get anxious, and this can challenge the relationship. Communication can begin to fail, and problems escalate.

Communication is the key in these situations. Start by expressing to your partner what is going well and reaffirm your positive feelings for him or her. Then you can say something like: “I’ve noticed that we’re struggling with … (mention the situation) … and I’m wondering, what’s your thought on it?” This makes it clear that you are willing to share the challenge, rather than to blame him/her.

If you are the one with the problem, state it clearly, and describe the feelings you have about the situation/issue (worried/embarrassed) and ask for help. When you need to make a request of your partner, you may try this: “I feel (frustrated/unhappy/uncomfortable) about (the way we …) and I would really appreciate if you would (state what you want)”.

Do not assume your partner knows what you are thinking; it is important to clarify any problems/situations so your partner will not feel blamed, ashamed or become defensive. By doing this, you will have helped your partner to understand exactly what the problem/situation is, and have given clear indications about what is needed in the future. Remember, when discussing sexually oriented issues, it is best to be clear, honest and tactful.

Sometimes talking can resolve issues, but for others it may take more effort resolve the situation. If sexual intimacy issues persist don’t wait passively for them to disappear take the steps necessary to get professional help. We are here to help you!