When we think about the word intimacy, often we have our own individual thoughts and feelings about what this word means. Intimacy can occur on many different levels within different types of relationships. As we grow and become older or more mature, our definition and experience of intimacy may alter and evolve.

What is Intimacy?

Intimacy has often been described as a feeling of closeness, a willingness to openly share personal thoughts with another person as well as spend time with that person.  Intimacy has been proposed as a fundamental human need (Birnie-Porter & Lydon, 2012).

Intimacy from an individual perspective was first explored by Erikson in 1963.  Erikson introduce intimacy not as a quality of a romantic couple but as a potential within the individual. His theory emphasized three elements of the capacity for intimacy: willingness to make a commitment to another person, ability to share at a deep personal level, and capacity to communicate inner thoughts and feelings.

Intimacy and Communication

According to Erikson, communicating inner thoughts and feelings is required in order to be intimate. Some individuals may disagree with Erikson and say that intimacy often doesn’t need words, however being able to vocalize one’s feelings and experiences makes intimacy more likely to occur.

We all have a comfort zone, for some of us sharing is easier for others. Think about your own comfort zone while you consider some of these questions:

• Are you and your partner able to let each other know how you feel about each other?
•  How do you communicate when you are sad, a little depressed, in need of some comforting and reassurance?
• Are you able to let yourself be dependent and to receive some nurturing?
• Do you really know what your partner thinks and feels, or do you have to guess and ‘mind-read’?
• Are you able to be open with your partner, or do you feel that your partner would not be able to accept some of your feelings?
• How do you feel about sex? Are you able to tell your partner what you like and don’t like in your love-making, and about how your sexual relationship could be made more enjoyable for you.

As you think about these questions, you must realize that being able to discuss these issues could help you understand each other better and become closer as a couple.

Sex and Intimacy

It has been said that romantic lovers clearly see sex as being an important part of intimacy. In a romantic relationship sexuality and intimacy are linked and may serve to strengthen or maintain the bond between the couple. The term “sexual intimacy” is frequently (and almost exclusively) used interchangeably with sexual activity by researchers in this field.

During a couple’s life together there will be times when sexual intimacy may alter and as a consequence affect their relationship. There are a wide variety of difficulties which may alter a couple’s sexual intimacy: A loss of desire, difficulty obtaining an erection, rapid ejaculation, retarded ejaculation, difficulty to obtain orgasm, pain during vaginal penetration, difficulty in getting aroused, fear of intimacy, poor self image, poor sexual self image, inhibitions, lack of knowledge about sexuality, among other issues.

These difficulties can arise as a result of physical conditions such as medical conditions, medical treatment and drugs, feeling tired, and exhausted or because of a partner’s relational difficulties such as, frustration, disappointment, lack of trust, betrayal, lack of respect, abuse, manipulation, boredom, etc.

Overcoming Difficulties

Often, when we are having these challenges it’s just a matter of patience and understanding, but sometimes people can get anxious, and this can challenge the relationship. Communication can begin to fail, and problems escalate.

Communication is the key in these situations. Start by expressing to your partner what is going well and reaffirm your positive feelings for him or her. Then you can say something like: “I’ve noticed that we’re struggling with … (mention the situation) … and I’m wondering, what’s your thought on it?” This makes it clear that you are willing to share the challenge, rather than to blame him/her.

If you are the one with the problem, state it clearly, and describe the feelings you have about the situation/issue (worried/embarrassed) and ask for help. When you need to make a request of your partner, you may try this: “I feel (frustrated/unhappy/uncomfortable) about (the way we …) and I would really appreciate if you would (state what you want)”.

Do not assume your partner knows what you are thinking; it is important to clarify any problems/situations so your partner will not feel blamed, ashamed or become defensive. By doing this, you will have helped your partner to understand exactly what the problem/situation is, and have given clear indications about what is needed in the future. Remember, when discussing sexually oriented issues, it is best to be clear, honest and tactful.

Sometimes talking can resolve issues, but for others it may take more effort resolve the situation. If sexual intimacy issues persist don’t wait passively for them to disappear take the steps necessary to get professional help. We are here to help you!

Published on October 5, 2010 by Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D. in Emotional Fitness

Setting Goals as a Couple

I believe that happiness comes from moving toward what you want, not necessarily getting it. What this means to you is that in order to be happy, couples need to have goals that they are moving toward. How can couples motivate and support each other to achieve individual and relationship goals? Here are ten steps that will enable you, and your partnership to create and reach your goals and keep your connection as a couple strong.

1. First, you must ensure that the individual and couple goals are in alignment. This alignment is critical for creating harmony and allowing you both to reach your dreams. Once that alignment is secure there is no limit to how much you can accomplish together

2. Talk about where you want to be and what you want to do in the next six months to two years. Next discuss, imagine and contemplate where you want your lives to be in five, ten and twenty years. Keep it positive and don’t poo-poo any ideas until you’ve had the chance to get them on

3. Make sure that the goals both of you strive for make you feel good about yourselves. You can’t achieve something that goes against your values. Sharing how your goals as a couple can benefit others as well as yourselves is a powerful and bonding experience.

4. Make sure your goals are specific, attainable and realistic. I believe in the old saying that, “If you shoot for the stars, maybe you’ll hit the moon,” but it makes more sense to keep the majority of your goals a little more earthbound.

5. Celebrate (and enjoy it) when you reach milestones, dreams or goals, and agree upon a reward system to help keep you motivated. For example, each time you accomplish a step toward your goals talk about how you feel about each other and how far you have come in your relationship, and then go out to dinner.

6. Create and arrangement that helps both of you stay accountable to the commitments you have made to each other. This is a sacred bond, it’s not a matter of reward or punishment, it’s an arrangement that helps support both of you as well as your relationship.

7. Give each other the room to achieve your desires by allowing (even supporting) your partner to experiment. As long as you agree to proceed with honor and dignity, you can be as creative as you like. Great ideas come from all kinds of places, you never know when something “off the wall” will open doors.

8. Agree with each other to seek and accept feedback. No one has all the answers so create a support structure to help you attain your desires. Couples whose relationship are supported by friends and family reach their goals and have happier relationships.

9. Write down and review your goals, and if you’re comfortable, post them somewhere where you can see them everyday. In a study done at Yale University, they found that people who wrote down their goals achieved them 97% more often than those who did not.

10. Remember that everything you do together has more than twice as much power as what you do alone. Creating goals as a couple or a family is not only healthy for your relationship, but should be fun as well.

Be sure to replace your accomplished dreams and goals with new ones. It really is a secret to happiness.

Creating goals as a couple is one of the most powerful and connecting things you can do. Have fun with it and see where it takes you, there is nothing better than sharing your success with someone you love.

Sourced from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201010/goals-are-relationship-necessity-here-are-10-tools-help

Family Service P.E.I is happy to welcome Ellan Dickieson to our team. Ellan assumes the new role of Education and Outreach Specialist located in the Summerside office.

Ellan holds a Master of Social Work from the University of Toronto and has experience in the government sector, as well as the not-for-profit sector. Most recently Ellan has spent time in Botswana, Africa where she was working with local non-governmental organizations to implement behaviour change programs.

Ellan will be working hard to increase our public profile and community partnerships. She will be available to provide educational presentations and workshops to the general public on our two main service areas, therapeutic counseling and credit counseling. We are excited to have Ellan on board!

Therapeutic Counsellor
Temporary Part Time Position
(7.5 hours per week + flex time dependent on demand for service)
Charlottetown, PEI

Family Service PEI, an Island-based, non-profit family service agency, is recruiting an enthusiastic, experienced professional to further develop our therapeutic counselling services from our Charlottetown office. This position is split into 2 different set of duties with differing hours required of the therapist:

#1: For a scheduled 7.5 hours per week during regular daytime office hours duties include; but are not limited to:

• Development and implementation of group work;
• Networking to promote therapeutic services available through FSPEI
• Collaborating with other services, programs and the community to enhance and improve community- based services for Islanders,
• Providing information and education to clients and groups in the community related to relationships, family life and healthy human development,
• Advocating on behalf of clients with other agencies, systems and service providers,
• Undertaking other related duties as required.

#2: Based on the scheduling needs of clients who cannot attend sessions during currently available appointment times, and/or an increased demand for service stemming from the implementation of #1 above – the therapist will work ‘flex hours’ completing the following duties:

• Provision of professional therapeutic counselling services to children, adults, couples and families utilizing a variety of client-centered treatment models,
• Provision of screening, clinical assessment, case planning, case coordination, direct service, consultation, evaluation and referral services to clients,
• Prioritizing and effectively managing caseload expectations,
• Utilizing various computer programs to conduct daily work tasks,
• Maintaining appropriate client records and other related files and performing other case-related administrative tasks in a comprehensive, up-to-date manner,

Qualifications:
Master’s Degree in Social Work (minimum) or equivalent, with current and ongoing registration with a regulating body,
– professional social work experience including counselling experience,a valid driver’s license and access to a reliable vehicle,
– a good work and attendance record,
– current and ongoing acceptable criminal record checks
The successful applicant must be willing to sign a conflict of interest agreement prohibiting the provision of competing services outside their hours of work with FSPEI.

No phone calls please. Any inquires regarding the position may be sent via email to the address below.
Please submit your resume and letter of application by 4:30 PM November 2, 2012 to:

Family Service PEI, 106 – 155 Belvedere Ave; Charlottetown, PE, C1A 2Y9 Fax: 902-892-4998, Email: director@familyservice.pe.ca.

We thank all applicants for their interest; however, only those under consideration will be contacted.

The Board of Directors of
Family Service PEI

Cordially invite you to attend their
2012 Annual General Meeting

FEATURING A SPECIAL PRESENTATION ON THE IMPACT OF LANGUAGE

To be held at 6pm
Wednesday 20 June 2012
at the
Confederation Centre of the Arts, Boardroom
145 Richmond Street, Charlottetown PE, C1A 1J1
Light refreshments will be served.
For catering purposes please

RSVP: Sandra Henderson by 18 June 2012
Phone: 902-436-9171 or 1-866-892-2441
Or email: sandra.henderson@familyservice.pe.ca