By: Suzanne St Amour, Family Service PEI
Communication is part of life. The daily activity is practiced all over the world. However humans are not always successful in their attempts at communicating.
In general terms, communication is about imparting or exchanging information. It also has a variety of other functions.
There are several steps in communicating effectively. Lets use a situation where two people are talking to each other.
1) GOAL– Decide on what goal is to be achieved in a particular communication. Consider the reason for the communication. For instance, is it being used to impart information, convey an idea, share thoughts and emotions, argue, or transmit displeasure..
2) DISCUSS TOPIC– Together explore the topic to be discussed. To do this each person needs to be clear about what they are trying to say.. This part of a conversation is about making meaning. The intent is to listen, understand and accept what each other is trying to communicate. Both persons needs to feel heard. This happens when we are able to show each other that we understanding what the other is saying. At this stage it is not necessary to agree or worry about disagreeing. Notice that the conversation has not yet reached the stage of finding a solution. Perhaps the communication is not about finding a solution, it could, for example, be about what they each feel regarding the day’s events. Jumping to solution talk or “fixing” is a common mistake made in communicating. People want to get right to “the answer”.
3) GENERATE OPTIONS– Think back to step one. Be clear about the shared goal of the communication. If there is a problem to solve or an issue to overcome, start brainstorming possible solutions. Write them down if you like. Generate as many ideas as possible. 4) When step 3 is complete go through the options and evaluate the pros and cons. After further discussion, rule out the options that are not suitable.
5) DECIDE ON A SOLUTION– From the ones that remain select a solution that both of you can live with. This can be the most difficult step. It may require compromise and thinking outside the box (creativity). The more a person practices this method the better they will get at it. Remember that the first part of communication to make a point or share information and perhaps solve a problem if that is the outcome you have agreed to.
WHAT CAN GO WRONG– Note that it is important for each person to remain calm and use their cognitive skills. Avoid picking a solution that is non-negotiable. If a person does this there is no space for options and the situation becomes a “I win you lose” or “you win I lose” proposition. Resist becoming polarised and digging in. This will bring our emotional upset and may kick start the Fight or Flight response. This response is a hard wired physiological (body) reaction which occurs automatically when humans feel threatened.
Research has found that, during upset, if a person’s heart rate rises above 90 beats per minute, all logic goes out the window (part of the Fight or Flight response). If this happens any kind of logical discussion or solution becomes impossible. This is when fighting starts. A conversation that deteriorates into a fights will not end with a solution. In fact it is likely to end with “bad feelings” because people will have said things in the heat of the moment that they cannot take back. It also damages the ability to have a reasonable, productive conversation on the topic next time because trust has been damaged and people are less willing to take another risk. Agree in advance that if either person becomes upset you will take a break and return to the topic when you are both calm again.
TO RECAP– communications or conversations have a variety of purposes. In order to attain this purpose one has to remain calm and be open go slowly, a willingness to explore a topic, to listen to the other person, to understanding what they are saying to validate their position by indicating that they understand. In addition options must be generated, weighed and considered. Finding a solution will ideally involve input from both individuals and be mutually satisfying. Sometimes it may require compromise or taking turns. So they may agree that they will do it this way this time and the other way next time. For couples, remember that you are a team (We) not adversaries (Me).