By: Suzanne St. Amour, Family Service PEI
At one time or another most people need help. That is a pretty straightforward statement. It’s what happens after, that gets complicated. It turns out most people don’t like to ask for help. That may not come as a surprise. There’s even a gender difference. Women find it more difficult to ask for help than men.
So what’s up with that? One article I looked at said that HELP is a four-letter word (what does that tell you?). In North America, part of our culture is to be self-reliant. It is such an ingrained idea that most of us probably never give it a second thought; it just is, like the sky is blue and the grass is green. Hey wait! What if that is not the case? What if it’s all in our heads? We’ll get back to that later.
As I said earlier, women find it more difficult to ask for help that men. That does not mean that there is necessarily a huge gap between the genders, so men, keep reading. The main reasons that people give for not asking for help have to do with us wanting to protect our self-concept, or how we see ourselves. We avoid asking because 1) we don’t want to look weak; 2) we don’t want to look incompetent by imposing on friends of family; 3) it won’t be done right away if we don’t take care of it ourselves; 4) we were raised to be self-sufficient; 5) it won’t be done right if we do not do it ourselves. Females (including myself) are particularly prone to # 3 and 5. We must have a high opinion of ourselves.
All kidding aside, the result of these beliefs cause us to work harder than we need to, feel like we’re doing it on our own, and no one understands how difficult our lives are. What’s the answer? There’s more than one way of dealing with it. The ways are not all equal. We can just suck it up and keep doing what we are doing (till or mind or body starts to break down). Or we could consider changing how we think and feel about asking for help. It turns out that for some individuals there’s a crisis that forced them to ask for help. Often the reason is physical. For example, a person may get in an accident and may no longer be able to do the things they use to. Someone else may be pregnant with complications. Suddenly they find themselves having to face their limitations. Being forced to do something is not fun. No one wants to be forced. One alternative is to choose to chance not only how you do things but the beliefs that enslave you to doing more than is humanly possible.
Change how I think? Now there’s a new concept. How does one do that, you ask? Here’s the abridged version. Keep in mind that this is not an easy process. Ideas and beliefs are like old friends that we do not want to give up because they are familiar. These ideas are also like stubborn stains or computer glitches that just won’t seem to go away. Here are some steps you can try.
1) Consider exactly why you think that asking for help is a sign of weakness.
2) Work through how not wanting to ever seek help is reinforced by unrealistic ideas and wishful thinking.
3) Think about whether your bias to not ask or seek help has any (actual) benefits to yourself or others.
4) Look to reality instead of relying on wishful thinking.
5) Expect some paradoxes (a paradox is something that seems self-contradictory or inconsistent, so they may make you wonder why you are trying to change).
6) Beware the illusion that all problems are easy or that problems needing solving only apply to some people (not you of course).
7) Prioritise your problems.
Sound complicated?
Perhaps you should ask for help.